Change.

Howdy!

So it's been about a month and a half since the post that "changed" my life. It was the post that I thought this will change EVERYTHING!

Well, do you wanna know what has changed? I will tell you.

Nothing, that's right absolutely nothing.

That is not to say that I have fallen back into my addiction. As of right now, I am at 65 days sober. But it does mean that my day to day life is still the same.

People keep asking me how I am able to stay sober, and the answer I keep giving is "The sheer power of God." The reason I say this is because I honestly don't know how I am doing it.

For the first few weeks I was going to therapy, I was doing my addiction recovery program, and I was doing my CPRs (Church, Praying, and Reading) but I have stopped doing all of those things.

I know that these things are important and will help me, but recovery and life are so much more complicated than that.

When all of this first started I think I expect it to change my life immediately and to stick with me. I was the spotlight of all of my friends and loved ones and that was going to propel me to do and be better.  Life doesn't work that way. Once life went back to normal, I did too.

The saying old habits die hard is so true. It has been hell for me to try to get into a different routine. That is my real problem, I am honestly too lazy to fix my routine, and that needs to change.

I don't really know what that looks like yet or how it will all work out for me, but I know that it needs to change.

This last week I was able to really reflect on my life and who I am and who I want to be. I spent a week back home in Arizona and it was eye-opening for me. I thought about high school and where I thought I was going to be when I was older. I thought about all the mistakes I have made and all the chances I have not taken.

I thought about all the pain I have caused, not only in the lives of others but in myself as well. I was recently told that; "I have enough going on in my life naturally, why I am creating more problems for myself?"

Needless to say the last 2 weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have had my highs and I have for sure been in my lows. Honestly, I have been more low than high. I have been beating myself up about mistakes I have made that I feel like I can not make right and that alone is making it 10 times worse.

There is a song by Wait for the Moment called "Don't. Won't. Can't." and there is a line in the lyrics that stand out to me: "I've got a lot of things to say to you. Like apologies for all the things I put you through, but if turning it over is what I need to do, then why do I have to keep running into you."(Listen to it here.)

The reason this is such a powerful line for me is that I cannot let go of the past. I keep replaying everything I have ever done wrong and the people I have hurt and let down in the process. I also can't help but think of all of the could have beens in my life. I get myself stuck in my own little hell doing this. I am starting to realize how damaging this has been and continues to be to me. But I don't know how to fix it.

Even right now,  I am going through somethings that are pretty significant and I am able to write about some of them, and some of them I can't. But, and I can feel myself shutting down and isolating myself even though I know that it is not healthy.

Going home this last week was powerful for me, I will not lie, but I do not want to say it was life-changing. Because I first have to allow myself to let it change me.

I was able to reconnect with the reasons I joined the LDS church and why it is important to me. I even spent time at the first church building that I ever stepped foot in. As I sat in the parking lot staring at that brick building,  I was overcome with emotions.

I knew in those peaceful quiet moments that I can't expect my life to change if I am not willing to do the hard work to make it change.

So, as I sit here at 5:00am at work, I am making myself a promise to do and be better. I am promising myself that I will forgive myself and show more love and compassion for myself. That I will let go of the past, and look forward to the future.

There is a great quote that I cannot find a reference for but it goes as follows: Do not dwell on mistakes and heartbreak. Do not yearn vainly for the yesterdays, but seek earnestly for the hope of the tomorrows. The past is to be learned from not lived in.

I know I have a lot of work to do and that it will be painful and hard, but I know for me to be happy I need to move on. I need to do this now because I am not happy. Yes, I have moments of joy and happiness, but they are fleeting.

I want to have true long lasting love and happiness in my life and the only way for me to do that is to do things I have never done before. I need to do the things I honestly don't want to do because I am scared and I need to learn to trust my Heavenly Father.

I am starting by reading The Infinite Atonement. I will keep y'all updated as I figure all of this out, and I already have the next 2 or three post ideas ready.

I love you all.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

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