Pills, Tumors, and Surgery

Howdy!

As the old saying goes, when it rains it pours. 

And so my saga continues. As many of you know I have been going around in circles with my medical conditions. Well, it has all accumulated to this point. 

First of all, if you don't know what I am talking about check out the following links: 

1. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/10/medical-update-and-surgery-info.html
2. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/12/post-surgery-update-and-results.html
3. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/12/iron-deficiency-anemia.html
4. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2017/02/
5. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2017/03/md-anderson-and-future-plan.html

So that brings us to today, and things are in a wonderful disaster. 

Let's go back in time a bit. From mid-October till the first of the year I became very anemic because of my bleeding. I had to receive 5 units of iron and they were worried I kept feeling light headed and like I was going to pass out. The nurses were concerned that I was not improving. They were also worried that the iron was ruining my veins because it took the 3 tried to place the IV. 

I have gone in several times for routine blood work since then, and my numbers are low but not low enough to need an infusion.  

Also from about mid-April to just last week, I was bleeding very heavy again. I was also in an immense amount of pain to where every movement hurt. The only thing that made me feel better was the fetal position, but you can't live life like that.   

After about 2 weeks of pain and heavy bleeding, I went to the doctor to see what was going on that was May 14th. He did his exam and decided that he was going to do a biopsy in a month and for the time being put me on birth control. He had me taking 2 pills a day, one with breakfast and one with dinner, this was in hopes to stop the bleeding. 

I did as I was told, and the bleeding stopped. I then started taking just one pill a day and the bleeding came back, and it was heavier. I called the doctor and explained the situation and he told me to come back in and get another pack of meds/ He wanted me to take 5 pills a day to stop the bleeding. 

Well, as you can imagine if you pump someone full of that much birth control they are going to go crazy, and I did. My emotions were insane and uncontrollable, it also led to me being EXTREAMLY nauseous.

After taking all of those pills for 2 weeks and not really being able to function and throwing up, I went into the ER. I am very grateful and blessed to work in a place where I know and trust the doctors enough for them to treat me. 

They gave me fluids as pictured to the left. They also did a blood draw and tested my iron levels.

The doctor I saw is truly amazing. He was the doctor who treated me and admitted me when I was in the ER 6 years ago when I had my last blood transfusion.

After they loaded me up with antinausea meds and fluids I was free to go home.

A few days later on June 12th, I went in for my biopsy. The doctor was concerned that my tumor had come back and wanted to see what the deal was.

After the exam, we went into his office to talk, and the conversation was not what I expected to happen.


We sat down and he asked me if I was still open to the idea of a hysterectomy. I said yes because I feel like nothing else is working and I no longer want to be in pain. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't 100% for doing it but he knows that my quality of life would be so much better and that I would be mostly pain-free. He also explained that this would fix the bleeding, but the endometriosis was still going to be there. But he is worried that I will regret it later because I will not be able to conceive, and I can live with this.

He told me to go home, pray and really think about it and to let the office know my decision. Well, surgery was scheduled for June 22, yes that is 2 days from now. However, due to billing complications and the doctors sending claims to the wrong company, it has been delayed.

I also got the results back from the biopsy, it showed abnormal cell growth as well as polyp growth.

We are now looking to reschedule and as soon as I know when it will be I will let y'all know. I know that having a hysterectomy is quite controversial especially at my age. I want all of you to know that this is not a decision I have made lightly. I have now been fighting this battle for about 15 years. I am tired, that is a lie I am exhausted and I don't want to have to worry about this anymore. I have prayed about it, and I am at peace.

However, I know many of you will have questions and concerns, and you can contact me about them. I have had time to process this, however,r I do not promise to be fast at answering and I may not answer all of your questions. If you have questions please email me, that is going to be the best.

Thank you for all of your love and support. I really have appreciated the outpouring I have gotten and I honestly had no clue how many people really cared about me until I started telling people about this.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Change.

Howdy!

So it's been about a month and a half since the post that "changed" my life. It was the post that I thought this will change EVERYTHING!

Well, do you wanna know what has changed? I will tell you.

Nothing, that's right absolutely nothing.

That is not to say that I have fallen back into my addiction. As of right now, I am at 65 days sober. But it does mean that my day to day life is still the same.

People keep asking me how I am able to stay sober, and the answer I keep giving is "The sheer power of God." The reason I say this is because I honestly don't know how I am doing it.

For the first few weeks I was going to therapy, I was doing my addiction recovery program, and I was doing my CPRs (Church, Praying, and Reading) but I have stopped doing all of those things.

I know that these things are important and will help me, but recovery and life are so much more complicated than that.

When all of this first started I think I expect it to change my life immediately and to stick with me. I was the spotlight of all of my friends and loved ones and that was going to propel me to do and be better.  Life doesn't work that way. Once life went back to normal, I did too.

The saying old habits die hard is so true. It has been hell for me to try to get into a different routine. That is my real problem, I am honestly too lazy to fix my routine, and that needs to change.

I don't really know what that looks like yet or how it will all work out for me, but I know that it needs to change.

This last week I was able to really reflect on my life and who I am and who I want to be. I spent a week back home in Arizona and it was eye-opening for me. I thought about high school and where I thought I was going to be when I was older. I thought about all the mistakes I have made and all the chances I have not taken.

I thought about all the pain I have caused, not only in the lives of others but in myself as well. I was recently told that; "I have enough going on in my life naturally, why I am creating more problems for myself?"

Needless to say the last 2 weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have had my highs and I have for sure been in my lows. Honestly, I have been more low than high. I have been beating myself up about mistakes I have made that I feel like I can not make right and that alone is making it 10 times worse.

There is a song by Wait for the Moment called "Don't. Won't. Can't." and there is a line in the lyrics that stand out to me: "I've got a lot of things to say to you. Like apologies for all the things I put you through, but if turning it over is what I need to do, then why do I have to keep running into you."(Listen to it here.)

The reason this is such a powerful line for me is that I cannot let go of the past. I keep replaying everything I have ever done wrong and the people I have hurt and let down in the process. I also can't help but think of all of the could have beens in my life. I get myself stuck in my own little hell doing this. I am starting to realize how damaging this has been and continues to be to me. But I don't know how to fix it.

Even right now,  I am going through somethings that are pretty significant and I am able to write about some of them, and some of them I can't. But, and I can feel myself shutting down and isolating myself even though I know that it is not healthy.

Going home this last week was powerful for me, I will not lie, but I do not want to say it was life-changing. Because I first have to allow myself to let it change me.

I was able to reconnect with the reasons I joined the LDS church and why it is important to me. I even spent time at the first church building that I ever stepped foot in. As I sat in the parking lot staring at that brick building,  I was overcome with emotions.

I knew in those peaceful quiet moments that I can't expect my life to change if I am not willing to do the hard work to make it change.

So, as I sit here at 5:00am at work, I am making myself a promise to do and be better. I am promising myself that I will forgive myself and show more love and compassion for myself. That I will let go of the past, and look forward to the future.

There is a great quote that I cannot find a reference for but it goes as follows: Do not dwell on mistakes and heartbreak. Do not yearn vainly for the yesterdays, but seek earnestly for the hope of the tomorrows. The past is to be learned from not lived in.

I know I have a lot of work to do and that it will be painful and hard, but I know for me to be happy I need to move on. I need to do this now because I am not happy. Yes, I have moments of joy and happiness, but they are fleeting.

I want to have true long lasting love and happiness in my life and the only way for me to do that is to do things I have never done before. I need to do the things I honestly don't want to do because I am scared and I need to learn to trust my Heavenly Father.

I am starting by reading The Infinite Atonement. I will keep y'all updated as I figure all of this out, and I already have the next 2 or three post ideas ready.

I love you all.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.