Medical Update

Howdy!

I have been sitting here staring at a blank screen not really knowing where to start with this post. The last few months have been absolutely crazy. I think for the sake of having this post make sense I am going to start with surgery and go from there, the reason behind this is because since surgery I have found out a lot more about what had happened in the recovery room.


July 10th: Surgery Day 

I arrived at the hospital at 5:45am. I was taken to preop and then by 7am, I was in the OR. Surgery was estimated to be anywhere from 2 -5hrs. there was talk of the following organs being removed; uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix, ovaries, appendix, and gallbladder. The determining factor of it was dependent on how far the endometriosis had spread as well as general inflammation. In other words, they weren't willing to risk another surgery in the future.

Well, the surgery lasted about 4 hours. They only took my uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes. However, at the time I was not informed as to why the surgery had taken so long.

I was in my room by 1pm pretty much feeling like poo. In recovery, they gave me Dilaudid, that worked for a short amount of time and then I was in a SEVER amount of pain. If I was unaware of what pain was before, I surely knew at this moment. I was then given morphine and forced myself to go back to sleep.

A little while later it was time to unpack me and take out my catheter. As soon as they shifted me to be able to do this, I knew I was going to throw up. I don't know if any of you have had abdominal surgery before, but the WORST thing you could do is throw up after. You have no stomach muscle to support the action and it makes you feel even worse.

Anyways, they gave me some nausea meds and this seemed to help and they switched my meds and I was thankful for that.

While I was there I had several different visitors and was glad to almost never be left on my own. It made fight off the depression of what I had just gone through a lot easier.

July 11th: Recovery Day 1

If I am being honest, most of this day is a blur. But what I do remember is the important parts, so I guess that's important.

I was able to speak with my doctor about surgery for the first time and he showed me pictures of what everything looked like before, during and after. He informed me the reason I was in so much more pain than we expected and the reason the surgery took so long was that my uterus was fused to my pelvic cavity. In other words, my endometriosis had spread so rapidly and furiously that it formed adhesions and scar tissue between the uterus and the pelvic cavity.

He explained that he did not get rid of all of my endometriosis because it was not safe to do so.

Later that day I was discharged and switched hospitals. I was then a patient at the hospital I work for.

The rest of recovery:

I spent the following few days in the hospital and was only able to head home after I had a bowel movement. Needless to say, I did what was needed to make that happen. Then I was at home resting.

Now you would think that this would mean I was on the upside of things! Ha, if only! I was discharged to home on Saturday and on Sunday night I felt like I was dying. I had attempted to take a shower and there was a drastic temperature change in the water and I wound up tearing tissue in my belly. Then on Monday night, I went back to the ER because I was incredibly nauseous and had a horrid headache. They were able to help me out with new meds and again I went home.

I had started to feel better, was listening to doctors orders and things were going well. I had a few scares with my incisions and I went back to the ER just to be looked at for it, and everything was good.

2 Week Post-Op:

This appointment did not go as I had planned. I was recovering just as the doctor had expected but I was not ready for the results and treatment plan moving forward.

I was informed that because the endometriosis was still active and in me, that I was going to be on hormone therapy to try to keep it under control because they did not want cancer to come back. Yes, cancer. They told me that in the preliminary pathology report they found complex abnormal cells, and he was fairly certain that it was cancer and if it wasn't it was as close as a cell can get before it becomes cancer.

He told me to take my meds and to try not to focus on the impending results until we knew for sure what we were dealing with. This is a lot easier said then done, however thankfully I am a workaholic and I was able to stay pretty busy.

4 Week Post-Op:

This appointment I was dreading the most out of any of them, this could be the appointment that ended my life as I knew it. I was very anxious going in and I think the staff knew because they were all overly sweet and checking with me.

The doctor spoke with me and explained that it was in fact cancer and that it was a good thing I was so stubborn and pushed him into this surgery. It was necessary to save my life. This was not anything I was expecting. However, the next sentence out of his mouth wasn't as comforting. He said to not get my hopes up because I am not out of the woods. He said that because I have endometriosis, it was more than likely to come back and we need to keep a good eye on everything. He is hopeful that with the hormones, we can keep it at bay.



So, this is why I have not updated anyone. I was trying to process all of the information and I got stuck in my own head.

Please know that I am doing well. I am happy and living my best life. This moment does not define me. I have already given the last month of my life to it.

I became lost, hurt, and angry. I am not going to lie, the last month has been a crazy roller coaster. I have felt joy and misery all together at the same time.

I lost myself there for a while after surgery. I shut myself off to the world. I became antisocial and solely focused on work.

But I am done being that person. I have worked through all the stages of grief and I am finally able to accept it, and I want to feel joy again. I need the light to come back into my life.


As for how I am feeling, I am almost 100% recovered. There are times that I know I cannot physically do something and I keep myself in check. The only times I am in true pain is when I am gassy, have a bowel movement, or overdo it. The doctor said this will go away with time.

I am still extremely bloated and distended. I look like I am a few months pregnant. ironic I know, and if one more person asks me when I due they are going to get hit.

I know that this is a lot of information and that it's a long post but please feel free to ask questions. I really truely am an open book.

This has been very hard to go through I will not lie, however as alone as I have felt I know that I also have an army waiting for me to left them in, and I appreciate it.

Thank you for all of your love and support. I really have appreciated the outpouring I have gotten and I honestly had no clue how many people really cared about me until I started telling people about this.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

PS: Here is a cute picture of my baby to make you smile!

Pills, Tumors, and Surgery

Howdy!

As the old saying goes, when it rains it pours. 

And so my saga continues. As many of you know I have been going around in circles with my medical conditions. Well, it has all accumulated to this point. 

First of all, if you don't know what I am talking about check out the following links: 

1. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/10/medical-update-and-surgery-info.html
2. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/12/post-surgery-update-and-results.html
3. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2016/12/iron-deficiency-anemia.html
4. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2017/02/
5. https://alwayssmile91.blogspot.com/2017/03/md-anderson-and-future-plan.html

So that brings us to today, and things are in a wonderful disaster. 

Let's go back in time a bit. From mid-October till the first of the year I became very anemic because of my bleeding. I had to receive 5 units of iron and they were worried I kept feeling light headed and like I was going to pass out. The nurses were concerned that I was not improving. They were also worried that the iron was ruining my veins because it took the 3 tried to place the IV. 

I have gone in several times for routine blood work since then, and my numbers are low but not low enough to need an infusion.  

Also from about mid-April to just last week, I was bleeding very heavy again. I was also in an immense amount of pain to where every movement hurt. The only thing that made me feel better was the fetal position, but you can't live life like that.   

After about 2 weeks of pain and heavy bleeding, I went to the doctor to see what was going on that was May 14th. He did his exam and decided that he was going to do a biopsy in a month and for the time being put me on birth control. He had me taking 2 pills a day, one with breakfast and one with dinner, this was in hopes to stop the bleeding. 

I did as I was told, and the bleeding stopped. I then started taking just one pill a day and the bleeding came back, and it was heavier. I called the doctor and explained the situation and he told me to come back in and get another pack of meds/ He wanted me to take 5 pills a day to stop the bleeding. 

Well, as you can imagine if you pump someone full of that much birth control they are going to go crazy, and I did. My emotions were insane and uncontrollable, it also led to me being EXTREAMLY nauseous.

After taking all of those pills for 2 weeks and not really being able to function and throwing up, I went into the ER. I am very grateful and blessed to work in a place where I know and trust the doctors enough for them to treat me. 

They gave me fluids as pictured to the left. They also did a blood draw and tested my iron levels.

The doctor I saw is truly amazing. He was the doctor who treated me and admitted me when I was in the ER 6 years ago when I had my last blood transfusion.

After they loaded me up with antinausea meds and fluids I was free to go home.

A few days later on June 12th, I went in for my biopsy. The doctor was concerned that my tumor had come back and wanted to see what the deal was.

After the exam, we went into his office to talk, and the conversation was not what I expected to happen.


We sat down and he asked me if I was still open to the idea of a hysterectomy. I said yes because I feel like nothing else is working and I no longer want to be in pain. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't 100% for doing it but he knows that my quality of life would be so much better and that I would be mostly pain-free. He also explained that this would fix the bleeding, but the endometriosis was still going to be there. But he is worried that I will regret it later because I will not be able to conceive, and I can live with this.

He told me to go home, pray and really think about it and to let the office know my decision. Well, surgery was scheduled for June 22, yes that is 2 days from now. However, due to billing complications and the doctors sending claims to the wrong company, it has been delayed.

I also got the results back from the biopsy, it showed abnormal cell growth as well as polyp growth.

We are now looking to reschedule and as soon as I know when it will be I will let y'all know. I know that having a hysterectomy is quite controversial especially at my age. I want all of you to know that this is not a decision I have made lightly. I have now been fighting this battle for about 15 years. I am tired, that is a lie I am exhausted and I don't want to have to worry about this anymore. I have prayed about it, and I am at peace.

However, I know many of you will have questions and concerns, and you can contact me about them. I have had time to process this, however,r I do not promise to be fast at answering and I may not answer all of your questions. If you have questions please email me, that is going to be the best.

Thank you for all of your love and support. I really have appreciated the outpouring I have gotten and I honestly had no clue how many people really cared about me until I started telling people about this.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Change.

Howdy!

So it's been about a month and a half since the post that "changed" my life. It was the post that I thought this will change EVERYTHING!

Well, do you wanna know what has changed? I will tell you.

Nothing, that's right absolutely nothing.

That is not to say that I have fallen back into my addiction. As of right now, I am at 65 days sober. But it does mean that my day to day life is still the same.

People keep asking me how I am able to stay sober, and the answer I keep giving is "The sheer power of God." The reason I say this is because I honestly don't know how I am doing it.

For the first few weeks I was going to therapy, I was doing my addiction recovery program, and I was doing my CPRs (Church, Praying, and Reading) but I have stopped doing all of those things.

I know that these things are important and will help me, but recovery and life are so much more complicated than that.

When all of this first started I think I expect it to change my life immediately and to stick with me. I was the spotlight of all of my friends and loved ones and that was going to propel me to do and be better.  Life doesn't work that way. Once life went back to normal, I did too.

The saying old habits die hard is so true. It has been hell for me to try to get into a different routine. That is my real problem, I am honestly too lazy to fix my routine, and that needs to change.

I don't really know what that looks like yet or how it will all work out for me, but I know that it needs to change.

This last week I was able to really reflect on my life and who I am and who I want to be. I spent a week back home in Arizona and it was eye-opening for me. I thought about high school and where I thought I was going to be when I was older. I thought about all the mistakes I have made and all the chances I have not taken.

I thought about all the pain I have caused, not only in the lives of others but in myself as well. I was recently told that; "I have enough going on in my life naturally, why I am creating more problems for myself?"

Needless to say the last 2 weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have had my highs and I have for sure been in my lows. Honestly, I have been more low than high. I have been beating myself up about mistakes I have made that I feel like I can not make right and that alone is making it 10 times worse.

There is a song by Wait for the Moment called "Don't. Won't. Can't." and there is a line in the lyrics that stand out to me: "I've got a lot of things to say to you. Like apologies for all the things I put you through, but if turning it over is what I need to do, then why do I have to keep running into you."(Listen to it here.)

The reason this is such a powerful line for me is that I cannot let go of the past. I keep replaying everything I have ever done wrong and the people I have hurt and let down in the process. I also can't help but think of all of the could have beens in my life. I get myself stuck in my own little hell doing this. I am starting to realize how damaging this has been and continues to be to me. But I don't know how to fix it.

Even right now,  I am going through somethings that are pretty significant and I am able to write about some of them, and some of them I can't. But, and I can feel myself shutting down and isolating myself even though I know that it is not healthy.

Going home this last week was powerful for me, I will not lie, but I do not want to say it was life-changing. Because I first have to allow myself to let it change me.

I was able to reconnect with the reasons I joined the LDS church and why it is important to me. I even spent time at the first church building that I ever stepped foot in. As I sat in the parking lot staring at that brick building,  I was overcome with emotions.

I knew in those peaceful quiet moments that I can't expect my life to change if I am not willing to do the hard work to make it change.

So, as I sit here at 5:00am at work, I am making myself a promise to do and be better. I am promising myself that I will forgive myself and show more love and compassion for myself. That I will let go of the past, and look forward to the future.

There is a great quote that I cannot find a reference for but it goes as follows: Do not dwell on mistakes and heartbreak. Do not yearn vainly for the yesterdays, but seek earnestly for the hope of the tomorrows. The past is to be learned from not lived in.

I know I have a lot of work to do and that it will be painful and hard, but I know for me to be happy I need to move on. I need to do this now because I am not happy. Yes, I have moments of joy and happiness, but they are fleeting.

I want to have true long lasting love and happiness in my life and the only way for me to do that is to do things I have never done before. I need to do the things I honestly don't want to do because I am scared and I need to learn to trust my Heavenly Father.

I am starting by reading The Infinite Atonement. I will keep y'all updated as I figure all of this out, and I already have the next 2 or three post ideas ready.

I love you all.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

You are not ALONE

Howdy!

Over the last few weeks, I have heard a lot of you. I have gotten texts, messages, emails, phone calls. Pretty much anyway for y'all to contact me you have.

Here is a short list of what I have heard:

"You are so strong, I could never go public with my addiction."

"I struggle too. I am glad to know others feel the same."

"I am also addicted to porn, and have not told anyone, except you and my bishop."


These statements broke my heart. I could feel the pain behind these messages. I know exactly how all of you feel.

We are in this together. We can help each other.

Going public does not need to be what I did. However, I want to encourage you to tell your close friends and family that you can trust. Addiction thrives on secrecy and the more you try to keep it to yourself the more it has a grip on you.

Stop shaming yourself for it. There is a huge difference between shame and guilt. Shame is the thought process of I am bad, I am worthless, I am hopeless. If this is where you are, stop. I know that this is easier said than done, trust me, I am still working on it. Guilt is very different. Guilt is realizing that your actions are not in line with your core values.

Realizing this, can and will change your life. When I first started on this journey, I didn't know what my core values where, my therapist gave me a list of over 150 words and I spent hours narrowing it down, until I came up with three. IF you reach out to me I will send you the list.

After I was able to know what I wanted to stand for and who I really wanted to be, I am now able to lovingly correct myself. Guilt is not I am bad, or even that I did bad. Guilt is the recognition that this, my action does not line up with my core values. Then holding them up next to each other and figuring out what I need to change to be in alignment again.

My core values are wholehearted, compassion, and faith. These values aren't just what I want others to see in me, they are traits that I want to show to myself.

I have had a huge problem with putting myself down and telling myself I am nothing and part of it stems from my addiction. I am sure a lot of you can relate. We all need to show ourselves more love, kindness, and charity. We need to be willing to forgive ourselves in order to grow and move forward.

Blame never helps nor does it heal. Blame creates an even larger divide. We need to be willing to take the risk to start closing the divide and take risks to change our behaviors.

For me personally, I want a quick fix. I want to be all healed and whole now and not have to worry about a relapse. But, is that how anything in life works? Not quite.

It takes time to heal old wounds and scars, and this will take time too. Trust yourself and keep the faith. You can and will be able to be sober and overcome your addiction and so will I.

All we need is time.

That being said, we CANNOT and SHOULD NOT do it alone. There are plenty of ways to get help.

First of all, if you are LDS or not, check out the Addiction Recovery Program. It can do amazing things, it follows a 12 step program similar to AA. Plus, you can also go to meetings! You can find more info here.

Second, as I stated before the people in your life that you can truly trust and rely on, can and will be a bigger asset than you realize. Take a chance on them, you chose to have them in your life for a reason, they want to help, just like you would help them.

Third, church leaders. No matter what church you go to, they want to be there for you. Nothing hurts them more than to see someone in pain that they can help, and that won't ask for it. I know asking for help is hard, but it is worth it.

Forth, is a program called Fortify. It is a program designed to help people specifically with a pornography addiction. Check out more info about it here.

Y'all recovery is possible. I am not saying it will be easy and I am not saying it will be quick. IT WILL BRING YOU JOY! Imagine not needing to live a double life of constantly clearing your browser history and covering your tracks? It's more liberating than you would think

For those of you wanting to help those who might be struggling with addiction please watch this video, it can help in numerous ways!

I love what he says at the end of this video: The opposite of addiction is not becoming sober, the opposite of addiction is connection.

If you are finding yourself in the depth of addiction, reach out to others. Become more social. The weight will lift and you will see the light. Trust me, I have done it!

Please, if you need to talk to someone, talk to them. If you feel the need you can even reach out to me and we can work together to figure out what path will help you the best way that will work for you.

As always please know that I love you all so dearly!

Also, just to be a little cheesy listen to this song.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Learning to Let Go Part 2: A Crisis of Faith

Howdy!

I have officially determined that Heavenly Father has a fantastic sense of humor and immaculate timing.

You see a week ago in therapy,  I was talking to my therapist about everything that has happend with this blog and publicly outing myself.


She thought it was wonderful! She said I even seem to look happier and like a weight had been lifted off of me....

HOWEVER, she asked me how long I thought this feeling would last? How hard would I be on myself if I had relapse, now that the world knew my secret. And how I am going to let Heavenly Father help me with all of this?

These where questions that I had not asked myself yet. We talked about how the feeling of belonging can be fleeting with time. We also tlaked about how I needed to really want to change and want this breakthrough to last.

She explained that if I cannot internalize any of this, it will just be a fun story to tell, not a life changing one.

So the question then became, how do I make it internal? The answer is simple to say, but difficult in practice.

You turn to the Lord.

For me this is personally one of the hardest things I could ever do.

As many of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or Mormon. I have been a baptized member for about 15 years now, however if you were to ask me how long I have been converted to the church and how many times I have walked away from it, that would be a different story...

So needless to say, God and I aren't close friends, probably not even acquaintances... But merely two beings that occasionally cross paths when I deem it necessary.

Did you catch how subtle I was about that? I said "when I deem it necessary." Heavenly Father is not the one who is hiding from me. It is quite the opposite.

I run. I hide. I keep myself from feeling the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I refuse to let them heal me and help me through my pain.

I have no faith that they can help. I have no trust.

Hence, why I feel like I need to control everything. No one else can or will so it is up to me.

I know many of you will say I just need to try, and here is the thing...

I HAVE... or I thought I had.

You see I always thought that I had to be a certain person or be doing certain things for the Lord to reach out to me.

I had to be praying everyday, I had to be reading my scriptures for 20mins a day, I had to constantly be looking for him in my life. I had to eat, breath, sleep the gospel. I had to let it consume me.

That would be my down fall. I wasn't and am still not able to be that committed to the gospel and that is okay.

Heavenly Father would much rather me read a verse or two a day with real true intent, rather than try to read for 20 mins and get nothing out of it.

Heavenly Father would rather me say a sincere prayer that is short and to the point than a prayer where I am just saying words.

Most importantly, Heavenly Father would rather me be at only sacrament meeting focusing on renewing my covenants than me stressing about not wanting to go to all three hours of church and then not being able to focus once I get to sacrament.

You see I believe Heavenly Father is much more interested in my intent behind my actions, than the actions themselves.

Sure, he would love for me to read for 20 mins, pray for an extended time, and attend all of my church meetings and activities.

But He more so than anyone else understands that this comes one step at a time. Just as the gospel come line upon line and precept upon precept. So do these gospel habits.

Heavenly Father is able and willing to meet us just where we are at. And the best part is, HE WILL!

Only of course when we let him.

This is a huge breakthrough for me. None of this was anything I had ever considered before, and if I have I was not ready or willing to hear it.

So, I am no longer expecting myself to be perfect at ready and praying. If I only do it when I remember to, and it winds up being 2-3 times that week that is GREAT! It is better than nothing.

Y'all I am going to be real with you, this is not easy for me at all. And I know a lot of you probably feel the same way. I get so caught up in doing thing right and perfect that I forget that mistakes are how we learn, and that perfection isn't needed. I just need to try.

That being said, there is one huge thing I need to do still on this journey I have started for myself...

I have been honest with the internet and with a lot of people in my life, but I have not been with the Lord. I have not taken all of my feelings and hardships to Him and just laid them all out.

This terrifies me to no end. I know that the second I do this, I am giving Him my control. I am telling Him I am ready to follow his will. I am not ready to take my hand away and let go. Or at least I dont think I am. But again, will I ever be ready?

This is something I just need to do. I need to stop over thinking it, and just do it. I need to be like a rocket getting ready to blast off (more on this topic in a future post)

I know that once I do it, my life will change and that there will be no turning back. I need to come to terms with the fact that my plans are not better than His. That my thoughts are inferior to His. That I am His Child and He wants to love me.

There is nothing I can do to change this, His love is always there for me. All I need to do is step out from my pavilion into the warmth of the sun and accept His love.

After I had this revelation in therapy last week, I got into my car and turned the radio on. I try to always listen to Christian radio stations, so that was what was on, and the first song to play was this one:

For those of you who did not listen to the song it basically is saying bring your life to the Lord, all the bad and He will love you anyways. You are always redeemed, because "greater is He that is living in me, than he that is living in the world." Christ suffered for us so that we can turn to lean on Him in our struggles.

However, is his timing wasn't good enough with that one, this was the song that played next:

I know that some of you didn't listen to this one either. This one is all about how God doesn't need us, but somehow for some reason He wants us. It talks about how the Lords plans will work better than ours.

I don't tend to believe in signs but this was a clear message to me that He is wanting and willing to meet me right where I am. I don't need to be anything but my whole authentic self, and He loves me anyways. I know that once I am able to really and truly internalize all of these things, I will be able to be free from the world.

This includes my addiction. I can no longer depend on myself to get me through the healing process. I need to use the tools that I have been given. This means turning more fully to the Lord, using the Church's addiction recovery program, and learning what my triggers really are and how to combat then.

Then and only then will I truly be free from the grasp of addiction, secrecy and ultimately of Satan.

The last thing I want to share before I end my rambling is this quote from Jeffery r. Holland, a member of the quorum of the Twelve apostles of the Latter-Day Saint Church:

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."

Just know that He is there for you, He wants you more than you know. Cry out to him, and he will answer.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like! And please learn to enjoy the ride!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Also, check out this talk, it is amazing!!!

Learning to Let Go Part 1: Be Clark Kent.

Howdy!

I want to apologize in advance for any Frozen references that might come out because of the topic of this particular post.

I have this friend. This friend is not the best influence on me. This friend often tries to dictate my decisions. This friend makes it hard for me to be vulnerable and to take risks.

My friend's name is control.

Over the last decade or so we have become quite close. As things in my life fell apart and went to crap, I leaned into my relationship with control even more.

I felt as though if I could control everything in my life nothing bad could happen again, because that's how it works, right?

If only. However, up until recently, that is how I was. I was always in control of my life 100% of the time. I never let my guard down. Even with some of my closest friends. I always keep people at an arm's length away, and I am never truly willing to take a risk on people.

It took me a long time to be able to see and understand why that was, and I think I am just now beginning to scratch the surface on it.

As you should know, from earlier blog posts, I did not have the best childhood. I came from a broken family with poor communication skills.

I am going to be very open about some of these experiences and I know that this can trigger some people, so if sexual abuse and suicide are triggers for you please stop reading.

When I was a small child, most likely around 2 or 3 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I remember it very clearly now. However, until I was a senior in high school I had no memory of it.

In the fall of my senior year, I kept having this recurring dream about this incident and then being in a police station being questioned. At first, a blew it off and did not think much of it. But then I had the exact same dream over and over again.

At this point, I called my mom, who no longer lived in the state, and she confirmed that it was true. I am not going to lie, I was mad. I felt like this was something she should have told me. But for whatever reason, she felt it was right to keep it from me. I have no doubt that she thought she was doing what she thought was best, but it made me trust her even less.

That was when I knew I couldn't trust people that were supposed to protect me. As a result, one brick wall goes up.

Then when I was 8 my father passed away. I didn't think that this had a huge effect on me because he wasn't in my life. But apparently losing a blood parent leaves damage no matter what.

And another wall is built.

When I was 11, I was in a car accident that left my all sorts of messed up. I am now permanently blind in my left eye, I had several cracked and broken bones. I also had a collapsed lung, dislocations, and lacerations on my organs.

This car accident was caused by my stepfather. I am not sure of the exact circumstances of the situation, but I do know alcohol was involved.

And another wall is built.

I also always saw myself as the black sheep of my family growing up. I was the one who took the brunt of the siblings picking on me. I was also verbally and physically abused.

Therefore, guess what, another wall was built.

Then comes my senior year of high school. My mom, stepdad, and little brother all moved to Washington state from Arizona. I moved in with my friends family. Honestly, this one hurt more than I care to admit. I felt like I was abandoned. I was left completely alone to fend for myself.

Living with someone else's family is not easy. Many times I felt like I was on the outside and didn't truly belong. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful that they took me in, but it just made me feel worse about myself.

This was the point in my life where I really started to notice that I was no longer mentally stable. I had resorted to hurting myself in whatever ways I could to where it would look like it was an accident.

I was diagnosed with bipolar and had to deal with that alone. I didn't even have an adult with me at my doctor's appointment. I had my friend who could drive take me. I had no one to lean on. Except myself.

And another few walls were built.

I am going to take a second to insert a picture of what I imagine these walls to look like from my perspective just so you know what I am meaning.


You see I have successfully made it to where the only person who fits in my box, if me.

Back to the story.

The same fall semester that my mother moved to Washington, I also found out why I was having so many health problems. I also found out that there was a minuscule chance that I would be able to have my own children.

No teenager should ever have to deal with those emotions. Needless to say, I became a mess. I didn't know what to say or how to act and I didn't know how to tell my friends, or boyfriend at the time.

Well, turns out, either I did it wrong, or we were all super immature and did not know how to handle this particular situation.

Between October and the end of 2008. Not only was I living with another family, but I also had lost my boyfriend who just stopped talking to me. I lost off of my closest friends due to a stupid fight, which in turn meant that I lost my adopted family and didn't get them back for years. And all of this created a rift in our friend group, so I felt as though I lost anyone I had ever cared about.

I was alone.

More walls...

I graduated high school... a semester behind my class, but I at this point I didn't feel so alone. I had Brian. This goofy kid from Utah that I met by serendipity during spring break.

But, Brian had cancer. A few months after graduating I moved to Texas. It was February of 2010. Brian and I had not talked as much, he was terminal.

He died that April.

Again, I was alone. I was in a new state where I had no friends. Depression hit me hard. And I didn't think there was a point in living anymore. There were multiple times where I would try to kill myself, and I have never been gladder that it failed every time.

During this time, I had fallen into my addiction and no one knew about it. I had closed myself off from every source of light imaginable. I would put on my fake happy smile and pretend all was well.

But I was hiding behind so many cement walls that no one could even hear my scream for help.

And in a nutshell, that is where I kept myself for years. I would let people in just enough to let them know I cared about them but I couldn't and wouldn't let them into my life enough for me to get hurt. Not again.

I had decided that I was done getting hurt. I was no longer allowed to be weak, and no one would ever see that side of me.

I focused solely on school and student government. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have time to think about the pain I was masking.

I was so closed off that I couldn't even feel the Lord's love for me.

I isolated myself and had no tools to break down the walls I built.

Don't get me wrong there were times that other people were able to break the walls down and see a glimpse of my pain, but until now I was never willing to let go of my own control.

I always had to have everything planned out. I could not move unless I precalculated every step. I dont know if people knew I was doing this or not, but that is what was happening in my mind.

I was never willing to deal with that pain and hurt. Until now.

I wish I could give y'all a simple answer to what changed for me, but I don't have one...

But I do know that this is the start of letting go and learning how to be vulnerable and show my weakness.

I heard once that it is easier to be Superman than Clark Kent, and I know that this is true. It is easy for us to put on a cape and to pretend to be something that maybe we aren't yet. We need to be okay with where we are now, and learn to grow to be where we want to be.

The world doesn't need any more superheroes. Be authentic to who you are and what you are feeling and you will see light and be happier.

There will be at least a part two to this piece. And I will talk about my relationship with the Lord in that on because this all plays together, so stay tuned.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

The hell that I have lived through....

Howdy,

As I sit here and type this it is currently 2:22 am on Sunday, April 15th, 2018. I contemplate if I really want to write and share with the world what I know I need to.

You see, I grew up not thinking that I could share my feelings. That my feelings meant nothing and I was nothing. I grew up thinking I was ugly and worthless. That anything going on in my life was insignificant and pointless.

This began a downward cycle of me covering my pain and putting up my shields. Until now.

About 3 weeks ago now I watched the following TED talk:

It fascinated me, and as a result, I found the assessment. I knew before taking it that the odds were not in my favor. I knew I would score high and I wanted to know how exactly that could have an effect my life now. (To take the assessment click here.)

My score was 9. Before I go further I will say this, I know that the assessment does not take into consideration any of the good things that also happened. However, I also do not remember a lot of the good. I remember the bad far more, and in great detail. 

After taking the assessment I went to work. I did not sleep that night. I wanted to know as much as I could about how these experiences affected my life and health. What I found was shocking. 

I will not go into great detail about all the research here, but if you are interested you can reach out to me. 

A few of the main things I learned were:

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have physical health problems including heart disease, chronic illness, autoimmune diseases, and cancer. 

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have an addiction. 

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have mental health problems including suicidal thoughts.

Well, guess what... I have had problems with all of the above. Let's break each one of these down one by one. 

First, physical health problems. It is no secret that I have had my fair share of health problems. When I was 12 years old, I hit puberty. This meant I got my period, however, mine was always irregular and heavy and painful. I have suffered from this for 15 years now. I have had 2 blood transfusions, countless iron infusions, hours of time in hospitals ERs and doctors offices, and one surgery. They discovered that I have endometriosis and I am a high risk for ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer. However, that is not all. I have had two tumors removed from my body, one in my right eye, and the other from my uterus. I also have a heart murmur. 

Second, addiction. Since I was 12 years old I have struggled with my addiction. I have never once told my family, a select few people in my life know about it... and now I am telling the world. I have a sex and pornography addiction. 

Third, mental health. I was diagnosed in high school with bipolar disorder, and as an adult with ADHD. This means I have manics where I am high and on top of life and then I also have states of depression where I have tried to kill myself. 

That isn't even everything. Because of my childhood trauma, I have trust issues and do not allow myself to let people in. Because of my childhood trauma, I have to control everything! Becuase of my childhood trauma, I cannot show weakness or vulnerability. Because of my childhood trauma, I am a perfectionist. Becuase of my childhood trauma, I am a stranger to myself. 

There is no way in my mind that all of these are just a coincidence. I believe that because of my childhood, as an adult I am suffering from a crap ton of baggage. 

So, what are my options for dealing with all of this? This is my bear in the woods, so to speak. Do I run? Do I fight it? What do I do?

Well, for years I have hidden it. I have tried to pretend that it wasn't there and that it did not affect me. As long as I could put a smile on my face and tell everyone I was "fine", and the believed it, then it was. 

However, nothing is ever really "fine." So I am now choosing to fight it. I have started to make a change in my life, and I am going to show up and be present and stop hiding. 

I want to show the world that I can be happy and that I do matter. However, I am not writing this for you or the world, I am writing it for me. I want to be able to look back and see myself grown and see what I learn. But, if you want, you can come on the journey with me. 

I plan to write a few blog posts to follow put on some things that would make this one far too long and boring. So if you want to see what happens, keep checking back for updates. 

I want to show up and be present, so that is what I am doing, and all of this will make more sense in my future posts. 

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!