As I sit here and type this it is currently 2:22 am on Sunday, April 15th, 2018. I contemplate if I really want to write and share with the world what I know I need to.
You see, I grew up not thinking that I could share my feelings. That my feelings meant nothing and I was nothing. I grew up thinking I was ugly and worthless. That anything going on in my life was insignificant and pointless.
This began a downward cycle of me covering my pain and putting up my shields. Until now.
About 3 weeks ago now I watched the following TED talk:
It fascinated me, and as a result, I found the assessment. I knew before taking it that the odds were not in my favor. I knew I would score high and I wanted to know how exactly that could have an effect my life now. (To take the assessment click here.)
My score was 9. Before I go further I will say this, I know that the assessment does not take into consideration any of the good things that also happened. However, I also do not remember a lot of the good. I remember the bad far more, and in great detail.
After taking the assessment I went to work. I did not sleep that night. I wanted to know as much as I could about how these experiences affected my life and health. What I found was shocking.
I will not go into great detail about all the research here, but if you are interested you can reach out to me.
A few of the main things I learned were:
The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have physical health problems including heart disease, chronic illness, autoimmune diseases, and cancer.
The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have an addiction.
The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have mental health problems including suicidal thoughts.
Well, guess what... I have had problems with all of the above. Let's break each one of these down one by one.
First, physical health problems. It is no secret that I have had my fair share of health problems. When I was 12 years old, I hit puberty. This meant I got my period, however, mine was always irregular and heavy and painful. I have suffered from this for 15 years now. I have had 2 blood transfusions, countless iron infusions, hours of time in hospitals ERs and doctors offices, and one surgery. They discovered that I have endometriosis and I am a high risk for ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer. However, that is not all. I have had two tumors removed from my body, one in my right eye, and the other from my uterus. I also have a heart murmur.
Second, addiction. Since I was 12 years old I have struggled with my addiction. I have never once told my family, a select few people in my life know about it... and now I am telling the world. I have a sex and pornography addiction.
Third, mental health. I was diagnosed in high school with bipolar disorder, and as an adult with ADHD. This means I have manics where I am high and on top of life and then I also have states of depression where I have tried to kill myself.
That isn't even everything. Because of my childhood trauma, I have trust issues and do not allow myself to let people in. Because of my childhood trauma, I have to control everything! Becuase of my childhood trauma, I cannot show weakness or vulnerability. Because of my childhood trauma, I am a perfectionist. Becuase of my childhood trauma, I am a stranger to myself.
There is no way in my mind that all of these are just a coincidence. I believe that because of my childhood, as an adult I am suffering from a crap ton of baggage.
So, what are my options for dealing with all of this? This is my bear in the woods, so to speak. Do I run? Do I fight it? What do I do?
Well, for years I have hidden it. I have tried to pretend that it wasn't there and that it did not affect me. As long as I could put a smile on my face and tell everyone I was "fine", and the believed it, then it was.
However, nothing is ever really "fine." So I am now choosing to fight it. I have started to make a change in my life, and I am going to show up and be present and stop hiding.
I want to show the world that I can be happy and that I do matter. However, I am not writing this for you or the world, I am writing it for me. I want to be able to look back and see myself grown and see what I learn. But, if you want, you can come on the journey with me.
I plan to write a few blog posts to follow put on some things that would make this one far too long and boring. So if you want to see what happens, keep checking back for updates.
I want to show up and be present, so that is what I am doing, and all of this will make more sense in my future posts.
No comments:
Post a Comment