As I sit here and ponder about what has happened in my life in the last 24hrs, I am in awe. I had no idea that one post would change my life so drastically, let alone so quickly.
I was not planning on writing this blog post. I have a different post already written and ready to be published, but I feel like this one needs to happen first.
So without further add here is the post:
I wrote and posted this around 2:20am, while I was on a night shift at work. I was a little worried and anxious about how people would react, but I did it anyway.
When I got home from work at 7:30am, I knew it was a matter of time now before my friends would be waking up and seeing it. I got ready for bed, climbed in, and watched my facebook notification button.
I woke up approximately 6hrs later to a different world. I had many missed calls, text messages, facebook messages, Instagram messages, comments on the post, emails, snapchats... Basically, if there was a way for someone to contact me, that medium was used.
Everyone was worried. Some people knew and understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. Others, with well-meaning intentions, thought I was suicidal. Lastly, there was just a whole lot of confusion.
I am still in the process of contacting everyone individually to reassure them that I am doing just fine and that what I posted was a good thing, however, this was an easier option.
The most common questions I have received through all of this is:
Teasha, what is going on? Are you okay? Why did you post that? What can I do to help?
Well... here are some of your answers...
What's going on?
I am having a personal breakthrough. There is no easy or short way for me to explain this, but I will try.
The last several months or so I have decided that I was a stranger to myself. I had become a zombie in my own life. All I have been doing is working and trying to numb any feelings I was having. My pornography and sexual addiction had begun to take over my life even more fully than it had in the past. I was struggling with my bipolar and it was becoming more and more difficult to see the light.
Something needed to change, so I have started to make those changes. I can't go through everything that is going on in this one post so there will be others so stay tuned.
Are you okay?
I am "showing up" and being present! (I will explain "showing up" in a future post!) I am living by courage instead of fear. That is why I shared something so personal. I knew I needed to do it, not only for myself but for all of you.
In the last 24hrs, many of you have reached out to me in confidence to tell me that I am brave for sharing and that they could never do what I have decided to do. They have told me that they struggle with addiction and could never post publicly about it, that they are not brave enough to do so.
I am here to tell you that you are, and you will be glad that you did!
Why did you post that?
I know for a lot of you this is crazy and seems too personal to share. However, I disagree. We are all going through something. We all have own challenges and trials. Not sharing this and keeping it hidden is what led to more and more problems for me. I couldn't do it anymore.
Again, this might sound crazy, but I felt like I was living two lives. It's not just about my addiction. I felt as though I was externally one person and internally someone completely different. I have a difficult time trusting people and being vulnerable. I do not allow people to see me "weak" and I hide how I really feel. I needed to do this for me. I needed my life to change, and the only way to make myself do it was to publicly admit that I was struggling, that way I was now accountable to all of you.
Based on the reaction that my single picture and 224 words got, more of you needed this too. We all need help and there is no shame in that. We need to stop being shameful and start being compassionate. We need to show love and not hate. That is what this is all about.
What can I do to help?
Y'all life is brutal, life is beautiful. Life is brutiful. No one should ever have to go through it alone, nor are we meant to.
The main thing that started all of this was the following thought: We never know how much longer we have on this earth. I know that this is a dark and daunting phrase, and it is terrifying. But I had a friend recently passed away very quickly and pretty unexpectedly, and it was just a few days before the anniversary of another friends death.
This has led to a lot of self-reflection and personal awareness of what I want to change and do better in. It led me to finally be able to have the courage and tell my story.
So this is my story. This won't be easy, it won't be short, but it will be worth it.
I know this is going to be a lot of information about exactly what I am doing how I got there and why. Please, if you ever feel the need to contact me, do so. I want to be open and I want to help.
I love you all and I thank you for your support.
Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...
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