Learning to Let Go Part 2: A Crisis of Faith

Howdy!

I have officially determined that Heavenly Father has a fantastic sense of humor and immaculate timing.

You see a week ago in therapy,  I was talking to my therapist about everything that has happend with this blog and publicly outing myself.


She thought it was wonderful! She said I even seem to look happier and like a weight had been lifted off of me....

HOWEVER, she asked me how long I thought this feeling would last? How hard would I be on myself if I had relapse, now that the world knew my secret. And how I am going to let Heavenly Father help me with all of this?

These where questions that I had not asked myself yet. We talked about how the feeling of belonging can be fleeting with time. We also tlaked about how I needed to really want to change and want this breakthrough to last.

She explained that if I cannot internalize any of this, it will just be a fun story to tell, not a life changing one.

So the question then became, how do I make it internal? The answer is simple to say, but difficult in practice.

You turn to the Lord.

For me this is personally one of the hardest things I could ever do.

As many of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or Mormon. I have been a baptized member for about 15 years now, however if you were to ask me how long I have been converted to the church and how many times I have walked away from it, that would be a different story...

So needless to say, God and I aren't close friends, probably not even acquaintances... But merely two beings that occasionally cross paths when I deem it necessary.

Did you catch how subtle I was about that? I said "when I deem it necessary." Heavenly Father is not the one who is hiding from me. It is quite the opposite.

I run. I hide. I keep myself from feeling the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I refuse to let them heal me and help me through my pain.

I have no faith that they can help. I have no trust.

Hence, why I feel like I need to control everything. No one else can or will so it is up to me.

I know many of you will say I just need to try, and here is the thing...

I HAVE... or I thought I had.

You see I always thought that I had to be a certain person or be doing certain things for the Lord to reach out to me.

I had to be praying everyday, I had to be reading my scriptures for 20mins a day, I had to constantly be looking for him in my life. I had to eat, breath, sleep the gospel. I had to let it consume me.

That would be my down fall. I wasn't and am still not able to be that committed to the gospel and that is okay.

Heavenly Father would much rather me read a verse or two a day with real true intent, rather than try to read for 20 mins and get nothing out of it.

Heavenly Father would rather me say a sincere prayer that is short and to the point than a prayer where I am just saying words.

Most importantly, Heavenly Father would rather me be at only sacrament meeting focusing on renewing my covenants than me stressing about not wanting to go to all three hours of church and then not being able to focus once I get to sacrament.

You see I believe Heavenly Father is much more interested in my intent behind my actions, than the actions themselves.

Sure, he would love for me to read for 20 mins, pray for an extended time, and attend all of my church meetings and activities.

But He more so than anyone else understands that this comes one step at a time. Just as the gospel come line upon line and precept upon precept. So do these gospel habits.

Heavenly Father is able and willing to meet us just where we are at. And the best part is, HE WILL!

Only of course when we let him.

This is a huge breakthrough for me. None of this was anything I had ever considered before, and if I have I was not ready or willing to hear it.

So, I am no longer expecting myself to be perfect at ready and praying. If I only do it when I remember to, and it winds up being 2-3 times that week that is GREAT! It is better than nothing.

Y'all I am going to be real with you, this is not easy for me at all. And I know a lot of you probably feel the same way. I get so caught up in doing thing right and perfect that I forget that mistakes are how we learn, and that perfection isn't needed. I just need to try.

That being said, there is one huge thing I need to do still on this journey I have started for myself...

I have been honest with the internet and with a lot of people in my life, but I have not been with the Lord. I have not taken all of my feelings and hardships to Him and just laid them all out.

This terrifies me to no end. I know that the second I do this, I am giving Him my control. I am telling Him I am ready to follow his will. I am not ready to take my hand away and let go. Or at least I dont think I am. But again, will I ever be ready?

This is something I just need to do. I need to stop over thinking it, and just do it. I need to be like a rocket getting ready to blast off (more on this topic in a future post)

I know that once I do it, my life will change and that there will be no turning back. I need to come to terms with the fact that my plans are not better than His. That my thoughts are inferior to His. That I am His Child and He wants to love me.

There is nothing I can do to change this, His love is always there for me. All I need to do is step out from my pavilion into the warmth of the sun and accept His love.

After I had this revelation in therapy last week, I got into my car and turned the radio on. I try to always listen to Christian radio stations, so that was what was on, and the first song to play was this one:

For those of you who did not listen to the song it basically is saying bring your life to the Lord, all the bad and He will love you anyways. You are always redeemed, because "greater is He that is living in me, than he that is living in the world." Christ suffered for us so that we can turn to lean on Him in our struggles.

However, is his timing wasn't good enough with that one, this was the song that played next:

I know that some of you didn't listen to this one either. This one is all about how God doesn't need us, but somehow for some reason He wants us. It talks about how the Lords plans will work better than ours.

I don't tend to believe in signs but this was a clear message to me that He is wanting and willing to meet me right where I am. I don't need to be anything but my whole authentic self, and He loves me anyways. I know that once I am able to really and truly internalize all of these things, I will be able to be free from the world.

This includes my addiction. I can no longer depend on myself to get me through the healing process. I need to use the tools that I have been given. This means turning more fully to the Lord, using the Church's addiction recovery program, and learning what my triggers really are and how to combat then.

Then and only then will I truly be free from the grasp of addiction, secrecy and ultimately of Satan.

The last thing I want to share before I end my rambling is this quote from Jeffery r. Holland, a member of the quorum of the Twelve apostles of the Latter-Day Saint Church:

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."

Just know that He is there for you, He wants you more than you know. Cry out to him, and he will answer.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like! And please learn to enjoy the ride!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Also, check out this talk, it is amazing!!!