Learning to Let Go Part 1: Be Clark Kent.

Howdy!

I want to apologize in advance for any Frozen references that might come out because of the topic of this particular post.

I have this friend. This friend is not the best influence on me. This friend often tries to dictate my decisions. This friend makes it hard for me to be vulnerable and to take risks.

My friend's name is control.

Over the last decade or so we have become quite close. As things in my life fell apart and went to crap, I leaned into my relationship with control even more.

I felt as though if I could control everything in my life nothing bad could happen again, because that's how it works, right?

If only. However, up until recently, that is how I was. I was always in control of my life 100% of the time. I never let my guard down. Even with some of my closest friends. I always keep people at an arm's length away, and I am never truly willing to take a risk on people.

It took me a long time to be able to see and understand why that was, and I think I am just now beginning to scratch the surface on it.

As you should know, from earlier blog posts, I did not have the best childhood. I came from a broken family with poor communication skills.

I am going to be very open about some of these experiences and I know that this can trigger some people, so if sexual abuse and suicide are triggers for you please stop reading.

When I was a small child, most likely around 2 or 3 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I remember it very clearly now. However, until I was a senior in high school I had no memory of it.

In the fall of my senior year, I kept having this recurring dream about this incident and then being in a police station being questioned. At first, a blew it off and did not think much of it. But then I had the exact same dream over and over again.

At this point, I called my mom, who no longer lived in the state, and she confirmed that it was true. I am not going to lie, I was mad. I felt like this was something she should have told me. But for whatever reason, she felt it was right to keep it from me. I have no doubt that she thought she was doing what she thought was best, but it made me trust her even less.

That was when I knew I couldn't trust people that were supposed to protect me. As a result, one brick wall goes up.

Then when I was 8 my father passed away. I didn't think that this had a huge effect on me because he wasn't in my life. But apparently losing a blood parent leaves damage no matter what.

And another wall is built.

When I was 11, I was in a car accident that left my all sorts of messed up. I am now permanently blind in my left eye, I had several cracked and broken bones. I also had a collapsed lung, dislocations, and lacerations on my organs.

This car accident was caused by my stepfather. I am not sure of the exact circumstances of the situation, but I do know alcohol was involved.

And another wall is built.

I also always saw myself as the black sheep of my family growing up. I was the one who took the brunt of the siblings picking on me. I was also verbally and physically abused.

Therefore, guess what, another wall was built.

Then comes my senior year of high school. My mom, stepdad, and little brother all moved to Washington state from Arizona. I moved in with my friends family. Honestly, this one hurt more than I care to admit. I felt like I was abandoned. I was left completely alone to fend for myself.

Living with someone else's family is not easy. Many times I felt like I was on the outside and didn't truly belong. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful that they took me in, but it just made me feel worse about myself.

This was the point in my life where I really started to notice that I was no longer mentally stable. I had resorted to hurting myself in whatever ways I could to where it would look like it was an accident.

I was diagnosed with bipolar and had to deal with that alone. I didn't even have an adult with me at my doctor's appointment. I had my friend who could drive take me. I had no one to lean on. Except myself.

And another few walls were built.

I am going to take a second to insert a picture of what I imagine these walls to look like from my perspective just so you know what I am meaning.


You see I have successfully made it to where the only person who fits in my box, if me.

Back to the story.

The same fall semester that my mother moved to Washington, I also found out why I was having so many health problems. I also found out that there was a minuscule chance that I would be able to have my own children.

No teenager should ever have to deal with those emotions. Needless to say, I became a mess. I didn't know what to say or how to act and I didn't know how to tell my friends, or boyfriend at the time.

Well, turns out, either I did it wrong, or we were all super immature and did not know how to handle this particular situation.

Between October and the end of 2008. Not only was I living with another family, but I also had lost my boyfriend who just stopped talking to me. I lost off of my closest friends due to a stupid fight, which in turn meant that I lost my adopted family and didn't get them back for years. And all of this created a rift in our friend group, so I felt as though I lost anyone I had ever cared about.

I was alone.

More walls...

I graduated high school... a semester behind my class, but I at this point I didn't feel so alone. I had Brian. This goofy kid from Utah that I met by serendipity during spring break.

But, Brian had cancer. A few months after graduating I moved to Texas. It was February of 2010. Brian and I had not talked as much, he was terminal.

He died that April.

Again, I was alone. I was in a new state where I had no friends. Depression hit me hard. And I didn't think there was a point in living anymore. There were multiple times where I would try to kill myself, and I have never been gladder that it failed every time.

During this time, I had fallen into my addiction and no one knew about it. I had closed myself off from every source of light imaginable. I would put on my fake happy smile and pretend all was well.

But I was hiding behind so many cement walls that no one could even hear my scream for help.

And in a nutshell, that is where I kept myself for years. I would let people in just enough to let them know I cared about them but I couldn't and wouldn't let them into my life enough for me to get hurt. Not again.

I had decided that I was done getting hurt. I was no longer allowed to be weak, and no one would ever see that side of me.

I focused solely on school and student government. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have time to think about the pain I was masking.

I was so closed off that I couldn't even feel the Lord's love for me.

I isolated myself and had no tools to break down the walls I built.

Don't get me wrong there were times that other people were able to break the walls down and see a glimpse of my pain, but until now I was never willing to let go of my own control.

I always had to have everything planned out. I could not move unless I precalculated every step. I dont know if people knew I was doing this or not, but that is what was happening in my mind.

I was never willing to deal with that pain and hurt. Until now.

I wish I could give y'all a simple answer to what changed for me, but I don't have one...

But I do know that this is the start of letting go and learning how to be vulnerable and show my weakness.

I heard once that it is easier to be Superman than Clark Kent, and I know that this is true. It is easy for us to put on a cape and to pretend to be something that maybe we aren't yet. We need to be okay with where we are now, and learn to grow to be where we want to be.

The world doesn't need any more superheroes. Be authentic to who you are and what you are feeling and you will see light and be happier.

There will be at least a part two to this piece. And I will talk about my relationship with the Lord in that on because this all plays together, so stay tuned.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

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