Learning to Let Go Part 2: A Crisis of Faith

Howdy!

I have officially determined that Heavenly Father has a fantastic sense of humor and immaculate timing.

You see a week ago in therapy,  I was talking to my therapist about everything that has happend with this blog and publicly outing myself.


She thought it was wonderful! She said I even seem to look happier and like a weight had been lifted off of me....

HOWEVER, she asked me how long I thought this feeling would last? How hard would I be on myself if I had relapse, now that the world knew my secret. And how I am going to let Heavenly Father help me with all of this?

These where questions that I had not asked myself yet. We talked about how the feeling of belonging can be fleeting with time. We also tlaked about how I needed to really want to change and want this breakthrough to last.

She explained that if I cannot internalize any of this, it will just be a fun story to tell, not a life changing one.

So the question then became, how do I make it internal? The answer is simple to say, but difficult in practice.

You turn to the Lord.

For me this is personally one of the hardest things I could ever do.

As many of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or Mormon. I have been a baptized member for about 15 years now, however if you were to ask me how long I have been converted to the church and how many times I have walked away from it, that would be a different story...

So needless to say, God and I aren't close friends, probably not even acquaintances... But merely two beings that occasionally cross paths when I deem it necessary.

Did you catch how subtle I was about that? I said "when I deem it necessary." Heavenly Father is not the one who is hiding from me. It is quite the opposite.

I run. I hide. I keep myself from feeling the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I refuse to let them heal me and help me through my pain.

I have no faith that they can help. I have no trust.

Hence, why I feel like I need to control everything. No one else can or will so it is up to me.

I know many of you will say I just need to try, and here is the thing...

I HAVE... or I thought I had.

You see I always thought that I had to be a certain person or be doing certain things for the Lord to reach out to me.

I had to be praying everyday, I had to be reading my scriptures for 20mins a day, I had to constantly be looking for him in my life. I had to eat, breath, sleep the gospel. I had to let it consume me.

That would be my down fall. I wasn't and am still not able to be that committed to the gospel and that is okay.

Heavenly Father would much rather me read a verse or two a day with real true intent, rather than try to read for 20 mins and get nothing out of it.

Heavenly Father would rather me say a sincere prayer that is short and to the point than a prayer where I am just saying words.

Most importantly, Heavenly Father would rather me be at only sacrament meeting focusing on renewing my covenants than me stressing about not wanting to go to all three hours of church and then not being able to focus once I get to sacrament.

You see I believe Heavenly Father is much more interested in my intent behind my actions, than the actions themselves.

Sure, he would love for me to read for 20 mins, pray for an extended time, and attend all of my church meetings and activities.

But He more so than anyone else understands that this comes one step at a time. Just as the gospel come line upon line and precept upon precept. So do these gospel habits.

Heavenly Father is able and willing to meet us just where we are at. And the best part is, HE WILL!

Only of course when we let him.

This is a huge breakthrough for me. None of this was anything I had ever considered before, and if I have I was not ready or willing to hear it.

So, I am no longer expecting myself to be perfect at ready and praying. If I only do it when I remember to, and it winds up being 2-3 times that week that is GREAT! It is better than nothing.

Y'all I am going to be real with you, this is not easy for me at all. And I know a lot of you probably feel the same way. I get so caught up in doing thing right and perfect that I forget that mistakes are how we learn, and that perfection isn't needed. I just need to try.

That being said, there is one huge thing I need to do still on this journey I have started for myself...

I have been honest with the internet and with a lot of people in my life, but I have not been with the Lord. I have not taken all of my feelings and hardships to Him and just laid them all out.

This terrifies me to no end. I know that the second I do this, I am giving Him my control. I am telling Him I am ready to follow his will. I am not ready to take my hand away and let go. Or at least I dont think I am. But again, will I ever be ready?

This is something I just need to do. I need to stop over thinking it, and just do it. I need to be like a rocket getting ready to blast off (more on this topic in a future post)

I know that once I do it, my life will change and that there will be no turning back. I need to come to terms with the fact that my plans are not better than His. That my thoughts are inferior to His. That I am His Child and He wants to love me.

There is nothing I can do to change this, His love is always there for me. All I need to do is step out from my pavilion into the warmth of the sun and accept His love.

After I had this revelation in therapy last week, I got into my car and turned the radio on. I try to always listen to Christian radio stations, so that was what was on, and the first song to play was this one:

For those of you who did not listen to the song it basically is saying bring your life to the Lord, all the bad and He will love you anyways. You are always redeemed, because "greater is He that is living in me, than he that is living in the world." Christ suffered for us so that we can turn to lean on Him in our struggles.

However, is his timing wasn't good enough with that one, this was the song that played next:

I know that some of you didn't listen to this one either. This one is all about how God doesn't need us, but somehow for some reason He wants us. It talks about how the Lords plans will work better than ours.

I don't tend to believe in signs but this was a clear message to me that He is wanting and willing to meet me right where I am. I don't need to be anything but my whole authentic self, and He loves me anyways. I know that once I am able to really and truly internalize all of these things, I will be able to be free from the world.

This includes my addiction. I can no longer depend on myself to get me through the healing process. I need to use the tools that I have been given. This means turning more fully to the Lord, using the Church's addiction recovery program, and learning what my triggers really are and how to combat then.

Then and only then will I truly be free from the grasp of addiction, secrecy and ultimately of Satan.

The last thing I want to share before I end my rambling is this quote from Jeffery r. Holland, a member of the quorum of the Twelve apostles of the Latter-Day Saint Church:

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."

Just know that He is there for you, He wants you more than you know. Cry out to him, and he will answer.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like! And please learn to enjoy the ride!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Also, check out this talk, it is amazing!!!

Learning to Let Go Part 1: Be Clark Kent.

Howdy!

I want to apologize in advance for any Frozen references that might come out because of the topic of this particular post.

I have this friend. This friend is not the best influence on me. This friend often tries to dictate my decisions. This friend makes it hard for me to be vulnerable and to take risks.

My friend's name is control.

Over the last decade or so we have become quite close. As things in my life fell apart and went to crap, I leaned into my relationship with control even more.

I felt as though if I could control everything in my life nothing bad could happen again, because that's how it works, right?

If only. However, up until recently, that is how I was. I was always in control of my life 100% of the time. I never let my guard down. Even with some of my closest friends. I always keep people at an arm's length away, and I am never truly willing to take a risk on people.

It took me a long time to be able to see and understand why that was, and I think I am just now beginning to scratch the surface on it.

As you should know, from earlier blog posts, I did not have the best childhood. I came from a broken family with poor communication skills.

I am going to be very open about some of these experiences and I know that this can trigger some people, so if sexual abuse and suicide are triggers for you please stop reading.

When I was a small child, most likely around 2 or 3 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I remember it very clearly now. However, until I was a senior in high school I had no memory of it.

In the fall of my senior year, I kept having this recurring dream about this incident and then being in a police station being questioned. At first, a blew it off and did not think much of it. But then I had the exact same dream over and over again.

At this point, I called my mom, who no longer lived in the state, and she confirmed that it was true. I am not going to lie, I was mad. I felt like this was something she should have told me. But for whatever reason, she felt it was right to keep it from me. I have no doubt that she thought she was doing what she thought was best, but it made me trust her even less.

That was when I knew I couldn't trust people that were supposed to protect me. As a result, one brick wall goes up.

Then when I was 8 my father passed away. I didn't think that this had a huge effect on me because he wasn't in my life. But apparently losing a blood parent leaves damage no matter what.

And another wall is built.

When I was 11, I was in a car accident that left my all sorts of messed up. I am now permanently blind in my left eye, I had several cracked and broken bones. I also had a collapsed lung, dislocations, and lacerations on my organs.

This car accident was caused by my stepfather. I am not sure of the exact circumstances of the situation, but I do know alcohol was involved.

And another wall is built.

I also always saw myself as the black sheep of my family growing up. I was the one who took the brunt of the siblings picking on me. I was also verbally and physically abused.

Therefore, guess what, another wall was built.

Then comes my senior year of high school. My mom, stepdad, and little brother all moved to Washington state from Arizona. I moved in with my friends family. Honestly, this one hurt more than I care to admit. I felt like I was abandoned. I was left completely alone to fend for myself.

Living with someone else's family is not easy. Many times I felt like I was on the outside and didn't truly belong. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful that they took me in, but it just made me feel worse about myself.

This was the point in my life where I really started to notice that I was no longer mentally stable. I had resorted to hurting myself in whatever ways I could to where it would look like it was an accident.

I was diagnosed with bipolar and had to deal with that alone. I didn't even have an adult with me at my doctor's appointment. I had my friend who could drive take me. I had no one to lean on. Except myself.

And another few walls were built.

I am going to take a second to insert a picture of what I imagine these walls to look like from my perspective just so you know what I am meaning.


You see I have successfully made it to where the only person who fits in my box, if me.

Back to the story.

The same fall semester that my mother moved to Washington, I also found out why I was having so many health problems. I also found out that there was a minuscule chance that I would be able to have my own children.

No teenager should ever have to deal with those emotions. Needless to say, I became a mess. I didn't know what to say or how to act and I didn't know how to tell my friends, or boyfriend at the time.

Well, turns out, either I did it wrong, or we were all super immature and did not know how to handle this particular situation.

Between October and the end of 2008. Not only was I living with another family, but I also had lost my boyfriend who just stopped talking to me. I lost off of my closest friends due to a stupid fight, which in turn meant that I lost my adopted family and didn't get them back for years. And all of this created a rift in our friend group, so I felt as though I lost anyone I had ever cared about.

I was alone.

More walls...

I graduated high school... a semester behind my class, but I at this point I didn't feel so alone. I had Brian. This goofy kid from Utah that I met by serendipity during spring break.

But, Brian had cancer. A few months after graduating I moved to Texas. It was February of 2010. Brian and I had not talked as much, he was terminal.

He died that April.

Again, I was alone. I was in a new state where I had no friends. Depression hit me hard. And I didn't think there was a point in living anymore. There were multiple times where I would try to kill myself, and I have never been gladder that it failed every time.

During this time, I had fallen into my addiction and no one knew about it. I had closed myself off from every source of light imaginable. I would put on my fake happy smile and pretend all was well.

But I was hiding behind so many cement walls that no one could even hear my scream for help.

And in a nutshell, that is where I kept myself for years. I would let people in just enough to let them know I cared about them but I couldn't and wouldn't let them into my life enough for me to get hurt. Not again.

I had decided that I was done getting hurt. I was no longer allowed to be weak, and no one would ever see that side of me.

I focused solely on school and student government. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have time to think about the pain I was masking.

I was so closed off that I couldn't even feel the Lord's love for me.

I isolated myself and had no tools to break down the walls I built.

Don't get me wrong there were times that other people were able to break the walls down and see a glimpse of my pain, but until now I was never willing to let go of my own control.

I always had to have everything planned out. I could not move unless I precalculated every step. I dont know if people knew I was doing this or not, but that is what was happening in my mind.

I was never willing to deal with that pain and hurt. Until now.

I wish I could give y'all a simple answer to what changed for me, but I don't have one...

But I do know that this is the start of letting go and learning how to be vulnerable and show my weakness.

I heard once that it is easier to be Superman than Clark Kent, and I know that this is true. It is easy for us to put on a cape and to pretend to be something that maybe we aren't yet. We need to be okay with where we are now, and learn to grow to be where we want to be.

The world doesn't need any more superheroes. Be authentic to who you are and what you are feeling and you will see light and be happier.

There will be at least a part two to this piece. And I will talk about my relationship with the Lord in that on because this all plays together, so stay tuned.

Again, thank you for letting me share my story with you. It is still terrifying but at the same time, it is liberating.

I love you all so dearly and please reach out to me if you would like!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

The hell that I have lived through....

Howdy,

As I sit here and type this it is currently 2:22 am on Sunday, April 15th, 2018. I contemplate if I really want to write and share with the world what I know I need to.

You see, I grew up not thinking that I could share my feelings. That my feelings meant nothing and I was nothing. I grew up thinking I was ugly and worthless. That anything going on in my life was insignificant and pointless.

This began a downward cycle of me covering my pain and putting up my shields. Until now.

About 3 weeks ago now I watched the following TED talk:

It fascinated me, and as a result, I found the assessment. I knew before taking it that the odds were not in my favor. I knew I would score high and I wanted to know how exactly that could have an effect my life now. (To take the assessment click here.)

My score was 9. Before I go further I will say this, I know that the assessment does not take into consideration any of the good things that also happened. However, I also do not remember a lot of the good. I remember the bad far more, and in great detail. 

After taking the assessment I went to work. I did not sleep that night. I wanted to know as much as I could about how these experiences affected my life and health. What I found was shocking. 

I will not go into great detail about all the research here, but if you are interested you can reach out to me. 

A few of the main things I learned were:

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have physical health problems including heart disease, chronic illness, autoimmune diseases, and cancer. 

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have an addiction. 

The higher the ACE score, the more likely you were to have mental health problems including suicidal thoughts.

Well, guess what... I have had problems with all of the above. Let's break each one of these down one by one. 

First, physical health problems. It is no secret that I have had my fair share of health problems. When I was 12 years old, I hit puberty. This meant I got my period, however, mine was always irregular and heavy and painful. I have suffered from this for 15 years now. I have had 2 blood transfusions, countless iron infusions, hours of time in hospitals ERs and doctors offices, and one surgery. They discovered that I have endometriosis and I am a high risk for ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer. However, that is not all. I have had two tumors removed from my body, one in my right eye, and the other from my uterus. I also have a heart murmur. 

Second, addiction. Since I was 12 years old I have struggled with my addiction. I have never once told my family, a select few people in my life know about it... and now I am telling the world. I have a sex and pornography addiction. 

Third, mental health. I was diagnosed in high school with bipolar disorder, and as an adult with ADHD. This means I have manics where I am high and on top of life and then I also have states of depression where I have tried to kill myself. 

That isn't even everything. Because of my childhood trauma, I have trust issues and do not allow myself to let people in. Because of my childhood trauma, I have to control everything! Becuase of my childhood trauma, I cannot show weakness or vulnerability. Because of my childhood trauma, I am a perfectionist. Becuase of my childhood trauma, I am a stranger to myself. 

There is no way in my mind that all of these are just a coincidence. I believe that because of my childhood, as an adult I am suffering from a crap ton of baggage. 

So, what are my options for dealing with all of this? This is my bear in the woods, so to speak. Do I run? Do I fight it? What do I do?

Well, for years I have hidden it. I have tried to pretend that it wasn't there and that it did not affect me. As long as I could put a smile on my face and tell everyone I was "fine", and the believed it, then it was. 

However, nothing is ever really "fine." So I am now choosing to fight it. I have started to make a change in my life, and I am going to show up and be present and stop hiding. 

I want to show the world that I can be happy and that I do matter. However, I am not writing this for you or the world, I am writing it for me. I want to be able to look back and see myself grown and see what I learn. But, if you want, you can come on the journey with me. 

I plan to write a few blog posts to follow put on some things that would make this one far too long and boring. So if you want to see what happens, keep checking back for updates. 

I want to show up and be present, so that is what I am doing, and all of this will make more sense in my future posts. 

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

Day One.

Howdy,

I keep thinking that I know how all of this is going to work and that I can create a plan for how and when to post, what topics I want to cover and the sequential order...

But, that I not working. I still have my original post waiting to be published and I keep thinking of things to post before that one. I guess the time will come and it will be able to be published.

With everything that has happened in the last few days, there are a few things that keep getting repeated no matter who it is that I am talking to, and I am going to attempt to mass answer these ideas,

 I want everyone to know that I am still in the thick of everything. I am still in a state of depression and I have only been sober for about 20 days now. I have just started the journey to wholeness.

The other day I was able to help a friend out by taking him to the airport, this was about a 2hr drive so it gave a good amount of time to talk and ponder about life.

At one point he looked at me and asked if I thought I was at a point where I felt I was "free." That I would never have another setback, that I would be able to even out my depression and that everything would be okay...

My answer: I don't think I will ever be in a place that I feel that way. I don't think that is how life works, especially not mine.

 Then we listened to this song:

My take away from this song: Every day is my day one. 

I have this terrible problem with getting stuck. I get stuck thinking about how bad my past has been and how I wish I could change it. I get stuck thinking that if I were to have just done or said one thing different my whole life could be so much better. I also get stuck planning for the future. I have to know how everything is going to go and I plan it out so there are no surprises.

In the past, I couldn't just live in the moment. I was either thinking behind or ahead and never for the now. I am done with that. 

Day one of the rest of my life is today and every day. Every day I am one choice away from the life I want to have. I just need to choose to make those changes in my life. The only person that can choose it is me. 

I am choosing to be present I am choosing to show up and be there. 

I don't want to check out of conversations anymore. I don't want to get bored when I am with friends and get on my phone. I don't want to text someone to see how they are or to tell them a happy birthday. I want to show up. 

I don't want to keep going through life continually worried only about work, school, and other people. I need to be more present for myself.

I need to learn that the here and now is fleeting and you never get these moments back. I need to learn how to savor my experiences and let myself feel all the emotions that I need to feel in those moments. 

It's a simple choice to make... It might not be easy, but it is simple.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

If you feel like any of what I am saying could help the people in your life please share it with them! That is why I am doing this, to help!

I have set up an email list if you would like to join it click here.

Clarification.

Howdy,

First of all, nothing with this is going as planned. The "first" post that I wanted to publish is now in a queue waiting to go up. However, that is also the point of doing this, I need to learn to let go of my control.

I was to say that all of this is not just about my addiction. It is about my mental health and choosing to live life more fully. I have done a great job at allowing myself to become isolated and I have pushed everyone away in my life. I do not have people I see or hang out with on a regular basis outside of work. I have micromanaged my life so well that all I do is work and stick to a schedule that I keep on google. If it is not on that calendar, I do not do it. It is bad, I need to learn to let go and have fun and not pick up extra shifts at work. The more I work the more I am able to numb my feelings. when I numb my feelings, I numb them all, the good and the bad.

I can't and won't live like that anymore. I want to be more present in life and find joy.

Next, I want to clarify my addiction. Yes, I have a pornography and sexual addiction. does this mean I am out having sex with a ton of people? NO.

What this means for ME, is that I have a problem with online content as well as sexual desires and not being able to bridle them and keep them under control. I was becoming dependent on these things and I needed to end the cycle. Those thoughts and ideas and pornography were starting to control my life, instead of my being able to control it.

I started going to therapy about 3 weeks ago and started going through the addiction recovery program and it is amazing how much better I feel already.

Again, this is just me and my life. This does not mean it will be the same for anyone else. If you have questions, please reach out to me. I am slow at responding right now just because of the quantity of messages I am getting.

I love you all and look forward to hearing from you!

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!

Teasha, why did you post THAT?!?

Howdy...

As I sit here and ponder about what has happened in my life in the last 24hrs, I am in awe. I had no idea that one post would change my life so drastically, let alone so quickly.

I was not planning on writing this blog post. I have a different post already written and ready to be published, but I feel like this one needs to happen first.

So without further add here is the post:

I wrote and posted this around 2:20am, while I was on a night shift at work. I was a little worried and anxious about how people would react, but I did it anyway.

When I got home from work at 7:30am, I knew it was a matter of time now before my friends would be waking up and seeing it. I got ready for bed, climbed in, and watched my facebook notification button.

I woke up approximately 6hrs later to a different world. I had many missed calls, text messages, facebook messages, Instagram messages, comments on the post, emails, snapchats... Basically, if there was a way for someone to contact me, that medium was used.

Everyone was worried. Some people knew and understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. Others, with well-meaning intentions, thought I was suicidal. Lastly, there was just a whole lot of confusion.

I am still in the process of contacting everyone individually to reassure them that I am doing just fine and that what I posted was a good thing, however, this was an easier option.

The most common questions I have received through all of this is:

Teasha, what is going on? Are you okay? Why did you post that? What can I do to help?

Well... here are some of your answers...

What's going on? 

I am having a personal breakthrough. There is no easy or short way for me to explain this, but I will try.

The last several months or so I have decided that I was a stranger to myself. I had become a zombie in my own life. All I have been doing is working and trying to numb any feelings I was having. My pornography and sexual addiction had begun to take over my life even more fully than it had in the past. I was struggling with my bipolar and it was becoming more and more difficult to see the light.

Something needed to change, so I have started to make those changes. I can't go through everything that is going on in this one post so there will be others so stay tuned.

Are you okay?

I am great! I am finally realizing what life is supposed to be like and how I want to live. I know what values I want to live by, and what I want to exude out to others around me.

I am "showing up" and being present! (I will explain "showing up" in a future post!) I am living by courage instead of fear. That is why I shared something so personal. I knew I needed to do it, not only for myself but for all of you.

In the last 24hrs, many of you have reached out to me in confidence to tell me that I am brave for sharing and that they could never do what I have decided to do. They have told me that they struggle with addiction and could never post publicly about it, that they are not brave enough to do so.

I am here to tell you that you are, and you will be glad that you did!

Why did you post that?

I know for a lot of you this is crazy and seems too personal to share. However, I disagree. We are all going through something. We all have own challenges and trials. Not sharing this and keeping it hidden is what led to more and more problems for me. I couldn't do it anymore.

Again, this might sound crazy, but I felt like I was living two lives. It's not just about my addiction. I felt as though I was externally one person and internally someone completely different. I have a difficult time trusting people and being vulnerable. I do not allow people to see me "weak" and I hide how I really feel. I needed to do this for me. I needed my life to change, and the only way to make myself do it was to publicly admit that I was struggling, that way I was now accountable to all of you.

Based on the reaction that my single picture and 224 words got, more of you needed this too. We all need help and there is no shame in that. We need to stop being shameful and start being compassionate. We need to show love and not hate. That is what this is all about.

What can I do to help?

Be present. Show up. Be authentic. Do not tell me you are here for me, and then turn your back. Be the person you say you are going to be, and in turn, I will do the same.

Y'all life is brutal, life is beautiful. Life is brutiful. No one should ever have to go through it alone, nor are we meant to.

The main thing that started all of this was the following thought: We never know how much longer we have on this earth. I know that this is a dark and daunting phrase, and it is terrifying. But I had a friend recently passed away very quickly and pretty unexpectedly, and it was just a few days before the anniversary of another friends death.

This has led to a lot of self-reflection and personal awareness of what I want to change and do better in. It led me to finally be able to have the courage and tell my story.

So this is my story. This won't be easy, it won't be short, but it will be worth it.

I know this is going to be a lot of information about exactly what I am doing how I got there and why. Please, if you ever feel the need to contact me, do so. I want to be open and I want to help.

I love you all and I thank you for your support.

Remember that when life gets hard, keep moving forward and...

Always Smile!